Whether this is cheaper than therapy remains to be seen. It will only be so if it is effective and as of yet, at least the idea of it has not.

I am at the point in my life that that journalling will be therapeutic, if not interesting.

My parents' inevitable mortality, (and therefore my own,) is so very prevalent at this time. The news of Ma's stomach cancer, then Dad's lung fungus, then Mom's soft tissue mass has felt like an avalanch. With each new discovery, it's gotten closer and the latest today, (Mom's impending surgery,) finally felt like the avalanch had overtaken me.

I think about their mortality inbetween taking care of my babies and the juxtaposition is palpable. I am starting to feel the tugging I've read about, the sandwich generation being pulled in two directions. Thank goodness I don't have the financial pressure often associated with it. Then again, Dan and I will be wanting to retire ourselves about the time the kids face college.

I wonder if my own mortality is the issue here. Facing my parents' deaths, the last generational buffer between me and death is removed. I don't feel any less vital, (except for the ongoing ill-effects of insomnia,) but then I often recall Grandma's last days in the nursing home when she thought that she was about 33 years old or so. Nobody feels their age.

My own health issues have made me much more aware of how our bodies betray us. Inside my head I'm still in my twenties, but the extra 20 pounds I carry and the aches and pains I feel do their best to remind me that I'm approaching middle age.

As my fortieth birthday approaches, I feel an urgency to mend things in my life. The abandonment I felt early in my childhood makes me distant as an adult. I look at my children and wonder if they too will be emotionally stunted from my lack of connection with them as I was with my mother and she with hers. I want to love my husband more, I want to love my children more, I want to love my sisters more. But I'm not sure I'm willing to accept feeling more pain as I strive to feel more joy.

I think a physical, or metaphysical approach is a good way to start. If I can feel better physically, I'll have more strength to deal with the emotional issues. The metaphor of body to brain, movement to feeling strikes a chord with me. If I am more physically flexible, will I become more emotionally flexible? If I have more physical stamina, will I have more emotional stamina, and the same with strength. The ties between body and mind are so difficult to define using the western model of hard science. The medical community would have us beleive that they are non-existent, but the signs that they are there are mysterious and wonderful.